


Falling Silently

by Kittenanimegirl_13



Series: Depressing Anime Stories [3]
Category: Free!
Genre: 5+1 Things, Abandonment, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, I Made Myself Cry, Like no really this is hella angsty, Self-Harm, good job me, i gave myself an anxiety attack while writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-29 23:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14483226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittenanimegirl_13/pseuds/Kittenanimegirl_13
Summary: Five times Haruka and his self-harm went unnoticed, and one time it didn't





	Falling Silently

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! I've been working on this for so long because I wanted it to be good enough, even though I'm 1000% sure I rushed the ending. Oops...
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: If you didn't look at the tags, there is talk of self-harm, depression, and anxiety attacks, and they are in detail. If you don't think you can handle that, please don't read. Your safety is more important than reading some fanfiction!
> 
> Stay safe! :)

**1.**

The first time Haruka hurt himself was when he was thirteen.

He woke up one boring Saturday morning to find his parents were gone. There wasn’t a trace of them, except for a note. One small note on a small and wrinkled piece of paper. The only words that Haruka saw through the blur of tears was that they left for Tokyo. He didn’t bother to read the rest, he crumpled up the paper and threw it to some random location of the empty house.

Haruka didn’t cry a lot when he was younger, only just keeping mostly a bored expression on his face. The only people who had ever seen otherwise was his best friend Makoto.

And his parents.

They were the only ones to see him laugh or smile, to show any other emotion. Two people that he loved and trusted just took everything and walked away.

Left.

Gone.

His grandmother was supposed to watch over him when his parents left.

Haru spent that day crying. Towards the evening, his grandmother still wasn’t there and Haru hadn’t moved once. He had stopped crying a while ago, having deprived himself of any liquids in his body. He didn’t feel better though. If anything, the fact he couldn’t cry anymore made him feel even worse.

His limbs felt like lead and he felt completely numb.

Subconsciously, Haru took his right hand to his left forearm and started scratching.

It started slow, building a pink mark on the inside of his wrist. He felt that he like the bit of burning that he felt from it. He decided to scratch harder and faster, pressing his nails deeper into his skin.

He kept his eyes closed, not from the pain, but to keep him from realizing what he was doing. He never thought he was going to do something like hurt himself. He saw it almost like giving up.

But in this instance, when numbness clouded his judgement and sorrow was at the front of his mind, the pain felt relaxing. Even more relaxing than what the water could ever do.

Haru didn’t know how long he was scratching for. The moment he stopped though, his fingers felt warm and had liquid on them. Blood. Haru knew it couldn’t have been anything else. Instead of cleaning himself up though, he just left his right arm fall next to his left as he moved to lay on his side. He didn’t care if anyone walked in the house to see him with his wrist bloody and his nails covered in blood.

And Haru knew that no one else cared either.

 

The second time Haru hurt himself was after he raced Rin in his first year of Junior High.

Rin had cried. Haru hurt him. Rin cried because of Haru.

Haru couldn’t get his brain to shut up. His mind just kept replaying everything with Rin. How they were so happy and close, until Haru had to go and mess everything up with Rin. Everything was Haru’s fault.

Watching Rin walk away from him, tears in his eyes and a fast and angry stride hurt more than anything Haru could ever do to himself.

Haru hadn’t hurt himself since his parents left, and that was about three months ago. His grandmother has been watching him but was out of the house.

Everything was yelling at him to do it. To be weak. He already was so weak as to not let Rin win their dumb race. He just couldn’t knock himself off his own high horse. He had to be selfish and weak and _such a disappointment this is why your parents left you’ll never be good enough for anyone_

His mind was racing, his heart was pounding so loud he could hear it in his ears. His blood rushed cold and it felt like there was too much in there and it felt like _Haru was going to explode of he **didn’t do something oh God please make it stop make it stop makeitstop pleaseMAKEITSTOP!**_

Haru didn’t care if he almost broke one of his grandmother’s vases, he didn’t care if he rammed his shoulder into the doorframe because _pain pain pain it’s all I need to make everything stop_

He reached the kitchen and went straight for the knives. He found one of the carving knives that was recently cleaned and stared at the blade, looking at the reflection staring back at him through the metal.

The way his bloodshot and glazed over eyes looked, his red and flushed face from running down the stairs, the tears that wouldn’t stop running down his face, having their own match against each other to see who could fall first.

Haru knew that his wrist was an obvious spot, but it was winter, and swimming didn’t start up for another four months. It would heal by then.

Haru rolled up his left sleeve, going to the arm that felt natural to hurt, and placed the tip of the blade to his wrist. He took a deep breath. Once. Twice. In and out.

He closed his eyes and pulled the blade across, feeling the blood start to instantly swell and drip down his arm and onto the tiled floor.

He did it again, and again, and again, until he had four open and bleeding cuts, all of them hurt and close by each other, deeper than Haru was expecting but it helped nonetheless. He was able to breathe again, his mind was less cluttered, and the voice was gone, it was done shouting at him. He quickly cleaned up the blood stains on the floor and cleaned his wrist before bandaging it. By the time Haru’s grandmother got home, he was already dead asleep in his room, his grandmother holding no knowledge of the suffering her grandson was going through.

 

**3.**

He couldn’t afford a funeral.

His grandmother died, and he couldn’t afford a funeral in her honor, all he could do was let them bury her and put a tombstone there. No funeral, no wake.

Haru cried when his grandmother died. Besides Makoto, his grandmother was all he had left. And she was gone now as well.

He lost his parents, and now his grandmother.

Haru was angry with himself because he couldn’t even cry for her loss. He couldn’t even shed a single tear. It felt like his emotions were shut off. He was angry, yet conflicted, sad, grieving and he didn’t know what was wrong with him.

The Tachibana family wanted to help Haru, he knew that, but he didn’t want to be even more indebted to them than he already was. Makoto was able to cry for Haru, he cried enough for the both of them.

When the tombstone was placed where his grandmother lies, he didn’t leave for days. He would sit there and stare at the grave, hoping that at least some emotion could be shown for the woman who had taken such great care of him while she could.

The only reason he left was because Makoto’s family came around and took him home while he was sleeping.

When Haru had woken up in his room, everything was so quiet. The house didn’t have any life. None of the peaceful charm it had when his grandmother was alive.

Every emotion Haru felt was gone, he was numb and couldn’t do anything about it. He was barely able to recall the last time he hurt himself…which was six months between then and now.

He felt the urge arise to do it again, and he did nothing to fight the urge and it led him towards the kitchen and grab the same carving knife that he used all those months ago. He looked at his left wrist, the four scars still slightly visible on his skin.

He took the blade to his wrist in the same manner that he did six months ago, swiping repeatedly on different parts of his wrist, moving down his forearm. Instead of four cuts like last time, there were about ten heavily bleeding cuts on his arm.

His breathing was hard yet shallow and pain was flaring in his arm, making its way to his head. The pain was relieving the numb feeling in his head, giving a slight euphoric sense of bliss pulsing through his being. Haru could feel the large amounts of blood rushing down his arm and onto the floor like the first time. He wasn’t aware of the tears that came out of his eyes as the bliss overtook his clouded mind.

He was falling deeper and deeper, Haru knew this. But at that moment, he couldn’t convince himself that what he was doing was in any sense bad or wrong or possibly damaging to him physically and mentally.

He didn’t care.

 

**4.**

Haru had to admit that, while he was a typical lone wolf, living alone was…lonely. There was never anything to do, except go over to Makoto’s house. But then he’d have to help him with Ran and Ren. And while Haru liked spending time with the twins, he would only go over there for Makoto and Makoto only. Having to help watch two over eccentric and energy driven nine-year olds was enough to keep Haru away.

Problem was, Haru didn’t like being almost constantly alone…

Over time, Haru noticed that nature around him seemed to lose color. The trees soft green leaves were a dull grey, cherry blossoms were almost white. Even his beloved water had turned a deep grey, almost black color that Haru didn’t like. Everything was in a wash of black and white.

Even Makoto, to Haruka, was just a splash of dull and boring colors. Those green eyes that Haruka always found comfort in were achromatic.

It seemed like the only color Haru was able to see anymore was red. Yet not the red that was around him. He meant blood. He was only able to see the blood that would drip down his arm. He started cutting regularly now, relishing when his fogged mind would clean, when the weight on his chest would lift and he was able to see color in his dull life once more.

He was falling, Haruka Nanase was falling further and further into the darkest of mindsets, he knew that this was wrong. Cutting himself was wrong everything about this was wrong but it felt so so so good to be able to breathe deeply and to see color in his depleting world that he didn’t care.

He didn’t care

No one cared

No one cared about Haruka, no one ever did. That’s why his parents left, that’s why his grandma died, that’s why Makoto was so oblivious to Haru’s suffering.

…

Haru heard things. Voices. Calling out to him and telling him that everything was okay, he was perfectly fine and that this was normal, it was normal to suffer sometimes. Nothing was wrong with him.

The voice always sounded like what he remembered his grandmother sounded like.

He would disregard this voice, for Haru knew that it was wrong. He was wrong, messed up. Nothing would be able to save him anymore.

It felt good to be able to breathe, so Haru kept going and going.

He eventually ran out of room on his left arm, it was too littered in scars.

His legs would have to do.

 

**5.**

He’s been going for years now. It felt like all emotion was completely gone from him.

He and Makoto were in high school now. They attend Iwatobi High.

They reunited with Nagisa, made a new acquaintance Rei Ryugazaki. Rin was back from Australia.

Everything still felt like a daze to Haru, the only thing he was aware of anymore was of how cold he was. How tired he became.

How numb he felt nowadays.

He felt lost, broken, as if nothing would fix him anymore.

The day passed by like normal, until they decided to go to Samezuka to swim with Rin and his friend Sousuke. Haru knew Sousuke, the teal eyed swimmer who had threatened him that one time at a vending machine, being all protective over Rin. It shook and scared Haru, who ended up running home alone and scratching himself that time.

_(It was swimming season he couldn’t carve into his arms, yet they tingled so so much as if wanting to be mutilated)_

They were just swimming. No racing (much) and just overall wanting to enjoy the time together as friends.

During this time, Haru noticed that Rin and Makoto started talking. He looked over to them, they were on the other side of the pool, talking. It hurt to know that his two friends probably didn’t need him.

No, there is no _probably._ It was more like, they _definitely_ didn’t need him.

After all, he was Haruka Nanase, the boy no one cared about. He was worthless, useless, pathetic, no one needed him no one cared no one wanted him.

Haru didn’t notice his breathing was growing shallow. He didn’t notice that his eyes had gone wide and he looked pale. He didn’t hear the voices of his friends call out to him as his breathing became more and more erratic. Time was moving at a snail’s pace and everything was in slow motion.

Haru couldn’t think straight, his mind was clouded, and his arms tingled but he couldn’t _he couldn’t do it not here and not now!_

He lifted himself shakily out of the pool, grabbed his Iwatobi jacket, and ran. He didn’t know where he was going he didn’t know what he was doing but he knew he had to leave and get home.

He got to the train stop, leaving when he realized that it was going to be a half hour wait. He could run home in half an hour. He just kept running then. He ran back to Iwatobi high and knew where to go from there. He ran past the shoreline where land and sea met. The sun was setting, and the scene was beautiful but Haru kept going. He ran past Makoto’s house and heard Ran and Ren call out to him, but he didn’t stop.

He kept going until he was at his house. _It isn’t yours its your grandmothers stop lying to yourself._

He pried open the door and ran towards his room. He bought a blade for himself a while ago and used it regularly. It was time to use it again.

Haru’s legs were weak from running, his chest felt tight, his mind was clouded, and he could barely hold the blade with his hands shaking so badly. For once, when he was going towards his arm with the tip of the blade, something in his mind said to not go on his arms, it was still swimming season he couldn’t go on his arms.

**_No one would care_ **

No one cares about Haruka Nanase.

He didn’t care about Haruka Nanase.

He pressed the blade to his arm and slashed into it, a deep cut marring his wrist, the blood vibrant and beautiful. He did it again and again, over and over. Repeatedly, until blood stained the floor and his vision was slightly blurry.

It didn’t matter though, he could breathe again, his mind was clear again.

Haru felt himself back into a wall and slide down, wanting to sit for a moment. He didn’t know that his legs became too weak to support his weight. Haruka closed his eyes.

He was so tired.

 

**+1.**

Everyone knew there was something wrong with the freestyle swimmer, yet no one spoke out about it. At least, they didn’t talk to Haru about it.

Rin and Makoto have been talking, planning to ask Haru about what was going on. They’re scared that Haru might do something…bad. They knew in their hearts that Haru wasn’t like that though, so nothing would happen. They were being concerned over nothing.

One day, while all of them were at Samezuka for some swimming (with permission from the school), Haru was acting stranger than normal.

They tried not to think too much of it and just try to have fun. None of them really wanted to race, they just wanted the time together.

That is, until something catches all their attention. Breathing. It was quick and shallow, erratic. It was coming from Haru.

His eyes were wide, and he was pale, he looked like he was going to pass out at any second. They were all trying to call out to them, but it seemed like he couldn’t hear anything. They watched as he tried to get himself out of the pool, he was shaking violently. Rin and Makoto got up and were about to walk over to him to help the swimmer.

Until he started running.

He ran and ran and they all watched.

“What’s wrong with Haru-chan?” Nagisa sounded scared. He put the question in the air that everyone was thinking.

“Should we go after him?” both Rei and Sousuke offered. They weren’t ones to show their fear. Rin was surprised that Sousuke was as concerned as he was, knowing that Sousuke and Haru didn’t get along that well.

“We should. I have a bad feeling…” they all decided to dry off and grab their clothes real fast before rushing out to catch up with Haru. Makoto holding Haru’s forgotten clothes as they ran.

When they got to the train station, Haru wasn’t there. And the train still hadn’t arrived.

“He didn’t wait for the train?” Rei stuttered out, clearly surprised that he would run that far. They were all kind of shocked, knowing that Haru despised running.

“The train will be here in five minutes. Should we wait here?” Rin asked.

“Yeah, the train will take us directly to Iwatobi High, and we can get to Haru’s house from there, it isn’t that far.”

The wait turned out to be the longest five minutes of their lives. The train ride an excruciating wait as the bad feeling in their stomachs was increasing with each passing second.

The moment the train let off at Iwatobi High, they booked it to Haru’s house; the five never running as fast as they did in that moment.

Right before they got to the stairs leading to Haruka’s house, a small call stopped them.

“Onii-chan!” Small feet ran up to the swimmers, their faces scared. The two immediately latched onto Makoto.

“Ran, Ren. What are you doing out of the house?” Makoto picked up his younger siblings. The two looked scared, yet completely avoided Makoto’s question as they asked one of their own.

“What’s wrong with Haru-nii?” The twins asked in unison. The other four swimmers found that creepy.

“Me and my friends are going to check right now, okay?” Makoto smiled at them, putting them down and giving a slight nudge towards their house. “Go wait back inside with Mom and Dad.”

The two nodded, running back to the house while the swimmers ran up the stairs towards their friends’ house.

The shock of Haru keeping his door open was a big one, sending a shiver of fear running down their spines.

Before entering, the five made a plan that only two of them would go in, as so not to overwhelm and scare Haru. The two going inside were Rin and Makoto, since they were wanting to talk to the freestyle swimmer in the first place.

There was an eerie feeling about Haru’s house that was never there before and it terrified Makoto, there was something very, very wrong with his friend if that feeling is present, and only getting stronger the more they walked towards Haruka’s room.

“Haru…” Makoto tried calling out his friend. He got closer to the boy’s bedroom, Rin checking the bathroom. He noticed the door was open…

He saw a slight puddle of red from what he could see in the room without entering, and his stomach sank.

_Please oh please God don’t let that be what I think it is…_

Makoto walked in the room, and instantly had the urge to throw up.

His best friend was sitting up against the wall, his eyes closed. Blood stained his Iwatobi jacket, forgotten about as it lay on the floor near the pool of liquid.

There were cuts littering his left forearm, from deep to shallow, they were everywhere.

“Oh God, Haru! Haru wake up!” Makoto knelled down and shook Haru, attempting to get him to respond.

“Makoto, did you fi-“ Rin walked in the room, cutting himself off the moment he saw Makoto crying and kneeling next to an unconscious and bleeding Haruka.

Rin ran out, yelling for one of the other guys for help.

Makoto knew he had to stop the bleeding, but with what? What the hell could he do?

He heard feet stop at the door and looked up to see Rei, first-aid kit in hand and panting. He was pale and felt sick because of the amount of blood but kept going.

“Makoto-senpai, please move, I’ll bandage him.” Makoto did as he was instructed and picked himself up, moving towards the door as Rei took his spot on the floor.

Makoto watched as Rei picked Haru’s cut up arm, examining it. He felt another presence behind him and turned to see Nagisa with a pail of water and a rag. He moved to let the blonde in the room. Nagisa placed himself next to Rei and started cleaning the drying blood from Haru’s arm. Makoto could see tears forming in Nagisa’s eyes but didn’t comment on it and let the boy concentrate.

Time was slow, by the time Nagisa was done, Rin and Sousuke had joined Makoto, watching as the two second years helped their friend get bandaged up.

Rei snapped the bandages off from where they were still on the roll, attaching the end of the bandages to Haru’s arm, and took the blood covered blade that Haru had used. Rei stood up and threw it into a waste basket near Haru’s bed.

“I did the best I could. He might have to go to a hospital for stitches, but the bandaging is good for now…” Rei trailed off, obviously tired and shaken up. They all were. Nagisa was still crying and Rin had joined him not too long ago, crying against Sousuke’s arm. Rei had tears in his eyes but didn’t let them fall, and Makoto felt himself screaming on the inside. Sousuke seemed unaffected for the most part, but even he was slightly shaken.

“Let’s put him in some clean clothes and get him to bed. We can worry about the rest of the blood later.” Rei said, after a beat of silence passed between all.

“I’ll do it, you all can go home.” Makoto walked over and placed his hands on Rei and Nagisa’s shoulders. “Thank you for your help you two.” He gave the second years a small and sad smile and watched Nagisa stand to be next to Rei. They all nodded, Sousuke walking up to Makoto, Rin still attached to his arm.

“I know me and Nanase aren’t that close, but make sure he’s okay, for all of us.” Sousuke whispered to the backstroke swimmer. Makoto nodded and Sousuke gave him a small smile before turning and escorting Rin out of the house.

Rei and Nagisa came up to him next, both allowing the tears to stream down their faces.

Nagisa sniffed before he spoke, “Mako-chan, make sure Haru-chan is okay.” He had wanted to say more, but emotion had overtaken the blonde and he started crying harder. Makoto smiled sadly to him

“I will Nagisa,” he curtly replied. Rei hummed with sentiment for Haru before the two left Makoto alone with Haruka.

Once everyone was gone and he was alone with his unconscious friend, Makoto let himself break down, crying softly as his friend lay on the floor, blood still everywhere and his friend bandaged up, the bandages hiding all Haruka’s hurt and anguish. The fact alone that Haru was hurting so much that he had to resort to hurting himself physically was too much for Makoto. How come Haru had never said anything to Makoto? How come Makoto had never noticed?

What did he do wrong?

“I’m so sorry Haru. I’m sorry I never noticed before…” Makoto trailed off, too overwhelmed and overtaken by emotion.

He sat for a while, body shaking and weak, his tears rolling down his face, some fusing with the drying blood. It would stain, Makoto was sure.

Eventually, Makoto got up and brought Haru to the bath, running the water warm so any remnants of the red liquid would be washed away. He got Haru a pair of clothes that he knew the shorter one loved. He was about to place him in bed wen fear spiked him.

“What if Haru wakes up and tries this again?” Makoto couldn’t have that, he didn’t want a repeat of this horrible event. He grabbed Haruka and walked out of the dark and gloomy house, down the stairs, and into his own house. His parents and his siblings already asleep, having it be so late at night. Makoto was surprised at how long everything took.

He walked up to his room and allowed Haruka to have his bed. He grabbed the blanket and placed Haru on the bed, covering him. He gave a small kiss to Haru’s forehead before grabbing the futon for himself.

Makoto didn’t get any sleep that night.

Everything was dark, calm, quiet. Makoto had to strain his ears, so he could hear Haruka’s breathing. So, he could at least remember that his best friend was alive.

Haru always had slept like the dead, but that had never felt more like a possibility. His best friend could’ve _died,_ and he _never noticed._ How bad of a friend was he?

Makoto heard rustling, movement, and looked towards the bed. Groaning hit his hears, Haru was waking up.

“Where…?” Haru’s voice was faint, but it sent the biggest rush of relief though Makoto that it had him shaking.

“Haru-chan!” Makoto shot out towards Haruka, wrapping his arms tightly around the shorter male. He felt small hands on his back, meaning that Haruka was hugging him back.

“Haru, why?” It was only two words, but two words was all Makoto could manage through his crying state, he was just so happy to have Haru awake and hugging him.

“I…it helps.” Haruka said, his face pushed into the brunette’s shoulder. He could feel waves of guild and remorse crash over him and he wanted to cry because the feeling was so strong. “Its makes me feel better.”

Makoto gasped. “Why do you need to feel better?” _What have you been hiding from me?_

“Makoto, please…” Haruka trailed off, digging his face into his friends’ shoulder, his tears soaking though the fabric of his shirt. “I can’t talk about this right now.” His breathing was becoming erratic and Haru could feel his mind clouding. His arm burned, and he wanted to scratch it, but he couldn’t because Makoto was there and _where did these bandages come from?_

Makoto could feel his friends’ panic rising and he backed away to see widened and glazed eyes that reminded him too much of when he was at the pool.

“Haru, its okay, its okay.” Makoto tried calming down his friend, tried to get him to listen to his soothing words. “It’s okay, I’m not going to force you to talk about it right now, okay?”

Haru nodded, putting more of his weight on the brunette. His eyes felt heavy again and his heart was still racing from the anxiety. He inhaled and was able to smell the warmth that Makoto always gave off, it was calming, soothing, and allowed his mind to clear, even if just for a bit.

Makoto watched his friend fall asleep once more, smiling as he decided to crawl in bed with him, the warmth being all Makoto needed. It allowed Makoto to know that his best friend was still alive, and that he wasn’t going anywhere.

All Makoto Tachibana cared about at that instance was his best friend, Haruka Nanase.


End file.
